Sorry Part Two
by nirvanah
Summary: Well, I'm sorry I've kept everyone waiting so long! Here it is, the sequel to Sorry!
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: Finally! I really apologise for the delay Dwarfers! Not my fault, a lot o' smeg's been happenin'. I apologise for pulling a _Doug Naylor _on you! XD All will be explained in my profile. Enjoy! Oh, and if you haven't read Sorry, it would be best to read that first! :D

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em unfortunately.

Sorry- Part Two

Arnold Rimmer sighed and got slowly out of bed, wincing as the pain in his back increased. He was almost tempted to switch to soft light. Almost.

There was plenty of light, what with the two moons shining on the planet they were _still_stuck on, their brightness managing to pierce through the blizzard. Rimmer sat down at the table with a soft moan of pain.

Behind him, Lister murmured something, coughed, and then woke up, "Rimsy…? You okay?" he muttered.

"Yes," The hard-light replied, "Don't get up Listy, its full moons; you might turn into a were-slob,"

Lister chuckled, "Smeg off ya smegger…" he sat up, "Can't sleep?"

"No," Rimmer replied, rubbing his face and running his hands through his hair, making it look even messier.

"Me too, I keep wakin' up,"

They had spent the rest of the day fixing the engines. It had been a tough job, and by the time they had finished and retired to their quarters they couldn't get to sleep.

"I think its aliens," Rimmer said, yawning.

Lister raised an eyebrow, "Aliens?"

Rimmer nodded, "Probably. How else would the tracker have got there?"

Lister shrugged, "I really dunno… Long as it's not me Kiniterwowi bride I don't care,"

"Hell hath no fury like a Kiniterwowi woman scorned Listy…" Rimmer smirked.

"Very funny…" Lister told him, sighing and yawning, "Oh lets get back to bed…" he lay back down again, yanking the covers around him.

Rimmer sighed, stood up slowly, and winced as he settled back down on his own bunk.

"Hey," Lister asked, "What stuff do ya do when ya can't sleep?"

"I don't know," Rimmer replied, "Get out the chloroform?"

"No ya smegger!" Lister said, "I mean like countin' sheep…"

"Well why count imaginary sheep when you can count real life space weevils?" Rimmer replied with a small smile, "There's plenty scuttling around your dirty sock basket,"

There was a pause.

"…Rimmeh' man…?"

"Hmm?"

"G'night… an', er, cheers again. For 'elpin' me…"

"It's alright. Night Listy,"

"Night,"

"Cor, blimey," Holly interrupted, "Will you two put a planet in it? I'm trying to get some kip up here, its like 'aving a sleepover with the Waltons…"

Rimmer awoke early the next morning. Holly appeared on the screen in a night cap and Rimmer gestured to be quiet.

"You got a message from Kryten," Holly told him, "He said he's gone to look for the parts, apologises that you have to make your own breakfast and if he's not back in time dinner's in the oven, you just have to set it to gas mark twelve,"

Rimmer yawned and ran his hands through his unruly hair, "Okay, fine… that was the worse night's smegging sleep I've ever had- ouch!" he rubbed his back moodily.

He dressed and then headed into the kitchen, deciding to make Lister's breakfast too. In fact, make Lister's breakfast first. He opened the fridge and eyed its contents disdainfully; curry, lager, curry, lager, curry, lager, trainers…

"Oh God…" Rimmer screwed his nose up in disgust and dropped Lister's trainers to the floor, "Unbe-smegging-lievable…"

Ketchup, lager, curry, curry, space weevil something-or-other, curry…

It looked less inviting than a Grimsby Travel Lodge.

He took one of the foil containers out of the fridge and looked at the cooking instructions.

"Listy?"

Lister frowned and murmured something.

"Come on, I went to a lot of trouble making this…"

"Huh?" Lister sat up and blinked in the light, "Whoa, you made me breakfast?"

Rimmer nodded and held out the curry and lager, complete with poppadoms, "There you go…"

Lister looked surprised, grinned chirpily and then took it from the hard-light, as if he was expecting it to vanish before him, "Cheers Rimsy! You even remembered the poppadoms!"

"Of course," Rimmer replied, "Anyway, Kryten says he's gone to get the parts …"

"What? Out in that! What time did he go?"

"I don't know," The hologram answered, "Holly told me. It's what the smeg _I'm _going to have for breakfast that remains a mystery,"

"Try this," Lister smirked, indicating the curry.

Rimmer shook his head, "No way, thanks,"

"Oh go on," Lister grinned.

"I don't know why I'm doing this…" Rimmer sighed, going to fetch a spoon.

He gingerly spooned a piece from the corner and tasted it hesitantly, whilst Lister laughed at the faces he made.

The hologram started to cough.

Lister doubled up with laughter at the sight of his bunkmate's face, and managed to gather his wits enough to snap off a piece of poppadom and hand it to him, "Here, it'll take the burn away…"

That only recovered Rimmer slightly, "Drink, drink… I need a drink…" he spluttered, stumbling back into the kitchen.

When he came back, red faced, he leaned in the doorway and gave the Scouser the exasperated, flared nostril look.

And then suddenly, oddly, they were both laughing.

Not shouting at one another, insulting each other, one blaming the other for trying to start a curry induced death, just laughing, smiling.

Their smiles faded and the room descended into an awkward silence as they both realised this. Were they actually getting on?

"I'll be in the, er, in the kitchen…" Rimmer cleared his throat and shuffled out.

"You dudes are more confusing than the fact that Starbug's navicomp controls are wired up incorrectly but it still manages to fly forwards instead of backwards, upside down and higgledy-piggledy," Holly appeared on the screen.

Later, Cat sat in the cockpit, watching Kryten waddle through the snow via the scouter. The feline was more than a little bored and had started to re-do his hair.

"Oh come on Ice Cube Head, you're out there, the scouter's out there, how come you can't find anything?"

"_I'm trying Sir…_" Kryten's voice answered guilty, over the howling wind, "_I think ice has gotten into my optic tracts…_"

Lister swaggered into the cockpit and sat in his normal seat, "How's it goin' Kryties?"

"_Lie Mode… Everything's going absolutely fine Sir…_" The mechanoid replied.

"What's that?" Lister raised his eyebrows.

"_Everything's going well Mr Lister…Lie Mode Cancel- How was your breakfast?_"

"Brutal actually," Lister replied loudly as Rimmer loitered in the background, "Really good man,"

"_I'm very glad to hear it Sir, how's my kitchen coping with the shock-_ _Ah-ha!_" They saw Kryten hurry forward in a flurry of snow, "_There's something, I'm sure it's one of the parts this time!_"

"Humph, the other five times it was a rock…" Cat growled, "And even worse, it was the same rock each time… you've gone round in more circles than a headless chicken on a merry-go-round!"

"So it's not goin' all too well then…" Lister said, cracking open a can of lager.

"You can say that again," The Cat said.

Lister nodded and continued to watch the screen.

"… No, really," the Cat said, "You can say that again, I didn't hear you. Too busy combing my hair," he grinned a pointy fanged smile.

Lister sighed and took a sip of his lager, "So it's not goin' all too well then?" he repeated.

"Hell no!" Cat answered, "I've been here all day and haven't looked in a mirror once! I almost forgot how good looking I was until my reflection on the panel caught my eye and stole my heart…" he grinned again, a dreamy, dramatic, smile.

Lister sighed.

"_Ah yes_," Kryten beamed, "_Smug Mode- I was right Sirs; it's one of the parts!_"

"Look Kryten," Rimmer marched right up to the helm, "Stop jabbering and get on with it!"

"_Sir I think there's an old android saying that's of particular relevance here. It goes like this; 001110011001100110 001 001,"_

"Kryten-"

"_001_"

"Kryten-"

"_0011_"

"Kryten-"

"_00111._"

"KRYTEN!" Rimmer snapped, furiously.

"_Yes Sir? Would you like to hear the translation?_"

"No!"

Everyone began to give up watching Kryten waddle around looking for the parts after what felt like more than long enough. Lister had already left the cockpit, surprisingly before the Cat or Rimmer.

"This is ridiculous," Rimmer said, "He's been up and down more times a rabid, mutant yo-yo,"

"Yeah," Cat made a face, his pointy fangs appearing over his bottom lip, "I haven't checked up on my suits all day!"

Meanwhile, Lister sat at the midsection table, his arms folded and resting on it and his chin resting on his arms, a lager can in front of him. He kept thinking back to yesterday, when Kryten had said the he could have died in that blizzard; it reminded him that he was the last human, and also that if anything happened to him…

But then technically, he wasn't the last human, he was the last human _alive_ because an ex-human was standing in the doorway with a shiny **H** on his forehead.

"Listy," Rimmer said from the doorway, "Drinking away our sorrows?"

Lister looked up and smiled slightly.

Rimmer sat opposite him at the table, "Isn't it ironic how we've dealt with Gelfs, rouge simulants, androids from hell, things that want to suck our brains out with a straw, countless nasties… but we can't deal with something that's technically a natural disaster,"

Lister nodded glumly, "Smeg…"

"I mean, it's just a bit of snow, it doesn't want to kill us or marry us or terrorise us, but we've been brought to a halt,"

"I wonder how the tracker got there…"

"No idea," Rimmer paused, and then frowned at his bunk-mate, reaching across the table to prod his arm, "What's up with you? You're a bit under the space corps regulation of morale aren't you?"

Lister glanced at the hologram and decided that he looked serious enough to deserve an answer, "It's just…I mean, if something happens to me…" he sighed, "I was just thinkin' is all…"

Rimmer frowned slightly. This was weird of Lister. Shouldn't he have been in the cockpit egging Kryten on, running around chirpily and saying 'brutal' a lot?

"How's Kryten gettin' on?" Lister changed the subject.

"Er…" Rimmer looked confused, "Not too bad but not too good either… Look, Listy, are you sure you're okay?"

Lister nodded, "Yeah… I'm really grateful for what ya did man…"

"I know," Rimmer nodded.

"I s'pose I better go an' check up on 'im," Lister stood up and touched Rimmer's shoulder on the way out.

Just mere seconds later, he stuck his head around the door and flashed Rimmer a winsome, chirpy grin, "Brutal! Krytie's on his way back!"

'_That's better_,' Rimmer thought with a small chuckle.

They hurried to the doors and Kryten waddled in, grimacing, head to foot in snow, "Oh my…"

"God it's the Michelin man…" Rimmer muttered.

"You okay man?" Lister asked as the mechanoid brushed himself down.

"Yes thank you Sir, I'm pleased to say that it was a success; the parts are just outside, all we have to do now is fix them on, which is er, easier said than done in this terrain,"

"I'll 'elp ya man,"

"Er, is that wise after yesterday?" Rimmer raised his eyebrows.

"Mr Rimmer does have a point Sir," Kryten agreed, "It would most certainly not be wise to go back outside again,"

"I'll do it," Rimmer sighed, "Now, Kryten. Let's get on with it,"

"Very well Sir,"

Lister watched them leave again and then wandered to the sleeping quarters, frowning. He could have been mistaken, but he was sure that Rimmer was being nice to him, in his own, subtle ways. He jumped up onto his bunk, thinking.

To him, it felt like a loose-loose situation; when he and Rimmer fell out, he wondered when they were going to make up, and when they made up, he wondered when they were going to fall out.

He must have fallen asleep for a while, because he woke up sprawled on his bunk, to see Cat sitting atop the table combing his hair and Holly looking nonchalant on the screen.

"Wha?" He sat up and blinked, "What's goin' on?"

"I'm tryin' to make myself look even nicer than before, but I think it's impossible!" Cat grinned.

Lister yawned, "Where's Rimmer and Kryten?" he turned to look at the screen where Holly was.

"They're still outside fixing on the parts Dave. It's looking a right state. I don't think it could even pass for a primary school project at the annual science fair,"

"Oh well," Lister jumped down from his bunk, "At least they're tryin',"

"And why's Goalpost Head being so nice to you buddy?" The Cat asked, leaping down and posing in front of the mirror, "It's creepy! He's taken your place so you don't have to go out in the cold swirly thing-"

"You mean the blizzard?" Lister interrupted.

"Yeah, and he made you breakfast! I don't see anybody queuing up to make _my _breakfast!"

Lister shook his head and went to the cupboard, taking out a deck of cards, "Cat man, ya wanna game o' cards?"

"Sure! I'll be right with you bud!"

It hadn't been so quiet on Starbug for what felt like centuries.

"_To_ _Ganymede an' Titan_…"

There was no shouting or stomping about.

"_Yes Sir I've been around_…"

No slamming doors or raised voices.

"_But there ain't no place in the whole o' space_…"

No insults hurled across the cockpit.

"_Like the good ol' toddlin' town_…"

And Lister's guitar was still intact.

"_Lunar City Seven_…"

Lister sat at the table in the sleeping quarters, playing with the deck of poker cards. It was getting into late afternoon, and he was singing quietly, so as not to wake his bunk-mate, who was fast asleep on his bunk, one arm flopping over the side of the bed and onto the floor. Lister thought it unusual for Rimmer to sleep in the day, but then, he had been up all night fixing the engines last night, and he had fixed the parts back onto Starbug in a blizzard. Plus, he had carried Lister all the way back through that blizzard yesterday.

"_Ganymede & Ti_-" Lister stopped short, because Rimmer suddenly sprang awake, leapt up and then winced and sort of crumpled back down onto his bunk, "You okay Rimmer man?"

"Ugh…"

"Yer back still 'urtin'?"

"Mmm…"

Lister watched Rimmer sit up slowly and rub his eyes and then asked, "Alright?"

"What the smeg am I doing sleeping in the day?" Rimmer looked totally aghast, "It's against my rules!"

"Rimmer you're tired!" Lister replied with raised eyebrows, "Smeg, give yerself a break,"

Rimmer sank back down again with a groan, "Do you know what?"

"What?"

"For once, I'm going to take your advice,"

Lister smirked, "You should," he shuffled the deck flamboyantly through his gloved hands, and began to deal some cards to the Cat for their next game.

At that moment, Kryten appeared in the doorway, "Sirs I'm just going to see if I can help get Starbug's rear legs out of the snow,"

"There's a gap in logic in that," Rimmer mumbled, "If you do that, it'll just snow a load more in place of the bit you've removed,"

"But Sir-"

"Oh just leave it Kryties, come an' play cards with us man…" Lister told the mechanoid.

So in the end, digging Starbug's rear legs out of the snow got put off like a teenager's homework.


	2. Chapter 2

It was either early the next morning or late that night. Whichever way you looked at it, it was still not a good time to be awake. Rimmer and Lister stood moodily in the engine room, their arms folded across their chests.

Holly was on the screen behind them in a nightcap, looking tired and bored.

Rimmer gave Lister a look. Somehow, he was a lot less angry with Lister than he should have been, "What were you thinking?" he asked with a suppressed sigh.

The Scouser, practically head-to-foot in engine grease, what with the streaks of it up his trousers, the stains on his shirt and the smears of it on his arms, hands and face, sighed in return and threw a spanner into the toolbox.

"It was an accident," he said, "How was I supposed to know we hadn't fixed them properly…"

Rimmer shook his head and paced the floor, one hand holding his chin, a slender finger to his lips, "Lister," he began, "I wouldn't mind half as much if it wasn't for the fact that it's the middle of the night…"

Lister sighed and sat down, "Look, I'm sorry, okay? It's just I can hear that smeggin' storm an' it's remindin' me of what happened…I just wanted to get off the planet is all…"

Rimmer rubbed his face exasperatedly, and regretted the action as he smeared grease on his face and guessed that he probably looked like he was wearing war paint, "Well, let's hope we've fixed them right this time…" he rubbed his lower back; this malarkey had made it start hurting all over again, just when it had started to lessen.

At that moment, Kryten appeared in the doorway, "Sirs, might I just ask what you are doing? You look like a bad re-enactment of the Blue Man Group,"

"Hey, what are all you crazy monkeys playing at?" The Cat yowled, stalking into the room in a red and gold padded dressing gown, "I'm trying to sleep!"

"Aren't we all," Holly said, "You guys have got more rabbit than the entire Sainsbury's Branch,"

"Mr Lister Sir," Kryten fussed, "I suggest you take a shower at once! I've left fresh towels for you in the shower room,"

"Er, I hope you've done some for me too Kryten," Rimmer said, regarding the mechanoid with slight disdain.

"You can use them after Mr Lister, Sir," Kryten said, giving his silent laugh as he turned to leave the room.

"Don't think I didn't see that Kryten!" Rimmer snapped.

"Right, I'm off for me nice, hot, shower," Lister said, rubbing his hands in anticipation and surprising his own self at his eagerness for a wash, "Can't remember the last time I had one o' those,"

"I can," Holly said, "It was your birthday. Nearly a year ago now,"

Rimmer made a face.

"Holly, it weren't that long ago man!" Lister protested.

"Wish I could have a shower," Holly moped, "But I ain't got no body,"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and looked around at the various tools strewn around the engine room, "Right, I suppose 'muggings' here will have to clear up this mess because no-one else is going to bother…" he gave Cat a disregarding look, "Are you going to make yourself of some use and help me?"

"Me?" the Cat gave the hologram a look, "Are you crazy? I'm wearing my best night clothes!" he stalked out of the room.

"Thanks a bunch," Rimmer sighed, making a face behind his back.

"Arnold, Dave's finished his shower," Holly said a while later, "You can have yours now, and perhaps I can finally get some kip,"

Rimmer yawned and sighed. He had been lying on the floor, almost asleep; he had finished tidying up ages ago and spent the rest of the time waiting for Lister to hurry up. He struggled up, his back now even worse, and dragged himself off to the shower room.

When Rimmer returned, he found Lister sprawled out in his bunk fast asleep, lager can still in his hand. Rimmer sighed, and gently prised it out so as not to wake him, because he was obviously having a good dream by the smile on his face.

"Sweet dreams Listy…" Rimmer murmured, as he crawled into his own bunk.

They gathered in the cockpit after breakfast the next morning, to discuss the final stage in their plan.

"There won't be too much bother with digging Starbug out of the snow will there?" Rimmer said for confirmation, "I mean we can clear it on takeoff?"

"Yeh," Lister replied.

"I can assure you it will be fine Sirs," Kryten added.

Holly appeared on the screen, "Alright dudes? Cor, it's a bit like the A-Team this, ennit?"

"What," Rimmer replied, "A hologram that needs courage, a human that wants to go home, a mechanoid who wants a heart and a Cat that needs a brain? I'd say we were more like The Wizard of Oz,"

"Come on guys, this is it," Lister rubbed his hands together.

"Men, resume your positions," Rimmer ordered haughtily.

"We're looking good bud," Cat grinned.

"Brutal man, hit the retros," Lister replied, checking the panels.

"Sirs," Kryten began, "I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but we still have a slight problem,"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and gave Kryten a look, "You just had to say it didn't you? You couldn't let us have five minutes of glory…"

"Well Sir…" Kryten grimaced, "I…"

"What a total, total killjoy-"

Lister looked behind him, "Alright Rimmer man, leave it out, he's only tellin' us the truth. It's no point us gettin' all happy-clappy yet-"

"Says the man that's always happy-clappy?" Rimmer instantly regretted the words the second they left his mouth, as did Kryten, Holly and the Cat.

Lister frowned, "Look don't start-"

"I'm not starting anything Lister!"

"Sirs, now let's not fight, hm?" Kryten attempted.

"We're not fighting Kryten," Rimmer said through clenched teeth, "We're merely having a discussion,"

"No," Lister shook his head, then leaned out of his seat to look at Rimmer squarely, "We're not smeggin' havin' one; you know what'll happen. I'm not sayin' another word man,"

"Will you guys keep quiet?" The Cat snapped, "You're distracting the driver!"

"All I was trying to say Sirs," Kryten sighed, "Is that we should shut off all unnecessary systems so we have silent running, just in case there is something still following us. After all, whatever it was may still have got the data it needed even though the tracking device exploded,"

"Fine," Lister replied.

Later, Kryten left to prepare lunch, and the Cat was left in the awkward atmosphere.

"Man," he made a face, "I'm going for a nap! Switching to autopilot…" he sprang from his seat and slunk down into the midsection.

Lister stared ahead through the screen.

"…Lister…" Rimmer muttered.

"Not even a day… still, this long's a record for us eh?"

"It was my fault again. I'm sorry I'm a git,"

Lister spun his seat around to face Rimmer, "Why'd you always put yerself down? You'd probably be a bit more cheery if ya stopped that,"

"…"

"I think ya spend so much time thinking that yer a smegger or smeg knows what else that you don't realise the people that like ya,"

Rimmer looked at his boots, "Well that's because no-one ever has, I mean not really, not as much as- as…"

"Sirs," Kryten waddled into the room, "Supper is ready!"

Lister jumped up from his seat, and Rimmer stood too.

"Not as much as who…?" Lister asked Rimmer before he moved to follow the mechanoid.

The hologram shook his head, "Doesn't matter…"

Lister smiled to show that he hoped they were still in a truce, "What d'you think Krytie's made us eh? Are ya scared?"

Rimmer smiled slightly in return and made a long-suffering face.

They both laughed.

"C'mon Smeghead,"

The Cat was irritable all through lunch, and by the end of it was more than a little bit smegged off.

"What's wrong wi' you?" Lister asked.

The Cat frowned, "Something's not right…"

"What's not right?" Rimmer asked, as Kryten cleaned the table.

"I don't know, but something's wrong…" Cat growled, moving from the table to stalk around the midsection.

Lister stood too, feeling slightly on edge, and Rimmer stood so as not to be the only one sitting at the table.

Cat growled.

"Sirs?" Kryten joined them.

There was suddenly a very eerie atmosphere. Cat continued to growl and look around.

Lister felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, "Cat man…" he laughed nervously, "Stop freakin' us all out man…"

"I can smell that smell again!" Cat sprang into the cockpit and checked the screens, "It's real close!"

Holly appeared on the screen, "There's nothing out there dudes…"

"I'm telling you bud!" Cat hissed, "It's even closer now!"

Rimmer froze suddenly, the hologramatic equivalent of his blood turning to ice in his veins. The others were too busy checking scans and screens to notice.

Rimmer had heard a voice say his name, as clearly as if it was standing right beside him.


	3. Chapter 3

"_Arnold Rimmer"_

It whispered again,

"_Do not react. If you do, I will destroy you where you stand"_

Rimmer's heart was beating so hard and fast he was surprised the rest of the crew didn't hear it. He wondered if his light bee was malfunctioning.

"_If you move as much as an inch…"_

"Rimmer man, check yer screen!" Lister called from his seat.

Rimmer had only turned to look when a blinding pain seared through his head and then coursed through the rest of his body.

"_I said DO NOT move!_"

"It's fine," Rimmer quivered faintly, "Nothing…"

Lister turned his attention back to the others, noting that Rimmer looked even paler than usual, but putting it down to their current situation.

"_I can hear them but they can't hear me, how fun this is too see…_"

The voice did not sound all together sane. In fact, it didn't sound sane at all. It laughed; it was a piercing sound like shattering glass.

"_We are holograms just like you; do you want to see what we can do?_"

At that moment, the cockpit doors slammed shut behind Rimmer and he cowered in the corner.

"What the smeg?" Lister hurried over to the doors, "Wha? They won't open!"

"Try a manual override Sir!" Kryten called.

Lister began to punch a code in.

"_No, no, no, no, no,_"

The voice tutted,

"_He's spoiling my fun, stupid human. You, stop him now._"

Rimmer mutely shook his head, heart still hammering in his chest.

"_Such a shame you won't obey, if that's the case you can learn the hard way…_"

Another pain, even worse than the one before, surged through his body like an electrical charge.

"Lister! Stop!"

"What?" Lister hesitated, "Rimmer, you okay?"

"_You're fine._"

"I- I'm fine…" The hard-light stuttered.

"_You'll do it_._"_

"I- I'll do it…"

"_Leave it._"

"Cheers man," Lister sat in the Cat's seat and took the controls. Kryten was trying to figure out why Holly had mysteriously disappeared from the screen, and the Cat was stalking around the room.

The voice laughed again,

"_What a stupid human. We wouldn't want anything terribly hideous to happen to him would we? No…_"

Somehow, Rimmer knew what it was about to do, "Lister! Get away from there!"

"Wha?" Just as Lister moved away, the control panel exploded in a brilliant flash of sparks, "Smeg!"

"_How dare you!_"

The voice shrieked,

This time, the pain made Rimmer cry out and clutch his head, and the room began to spin.

"Leave me alone!" he shouted, staggering forward and clutching the nearby console.

The red alert siren was wailing and the cockpit descended into turmoil; doors slammed, panels exploded, things flew across the room and electrics sparked.

"I think our only hope's Ghost Busters!" Cat yowled.

"Stop it!" Rimmer yelled.

Lister was standing in the middle of it all, not knowing what the smeg to do, "Rimmer man, what's wrong?"

"Stop smegging hurting me!" the hard-light cried.

"Sirs!" Kryten exclaimed. He had managed to get an outside view on one of the screens, "It a holoship!"

An enormous, shimmering black ship was looming over Starbug.

"Smeg…" Lister murmured, in awe.

Cat dodged sparks and grabbed the controls, "We're logged out and changing course!"

And then suddenly, everything

Stopped.

Things flying about crashed to the floor, and the consoles spat out their last feeble sparks.

Rimmer swayed and sank to the floor, but Lister half caught him and helped him into his seat.

"Hey, you okay Rimsy?" he put a leather-gloved hand on his bunkmate's shoulder.

Rimmer closed his eyes faintly.

"Mr Rimmer, what happened?" Kryten asked.

Rimmer shook his head slowly.

Lister gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, "S'okay…"

Rimmer didn't think he'd ever been so terrified in his life, but being Rimmer, he probably had. He put his head down on the console in front of him.

"Oh, eh?" Lister wasn't exactly too sure how to reassure him, "…Yer alright now man…"

"I still can't get control!" Cat called, "We're gonna be headin' straight for them!"

The Boys from the Dwarf didn't know quite what to do first.

In the end, it resulted in Kryten continuing to try and bring Holly back online, Cat wrestling with the controls and Lister trying to find out what was wrong with Rimmer.

"This is crazy!" Cat snarled, "It's like we're being pulled in!"

"Almost done now Sirs!" Kryten told them, shoving a cable back into the socket, "We may be able to get away with Holly's help!"

"Why am I not reassured?" Cat grumbled.

Lister could be heard talking to Rimmer in the background:

"An' whot did ya hear? Oh, eh... I dunno meself…"

"Ah-ha!" If they had been in a less dicey situation, Kryten would have launched smug-mode, "Welcome back online Holly!"

Holly was bemused and blinking, "What happened there then?"

Lister said something else to Rimmer and then took his seat at the front, "Hol, can ya sort out the controls and get us away from here?"

"Might be able to, 'ang about," Holly replied, as if this sort of thing was run-of-the-mill for them, and so were such queries.

"_Arnold…"_

Rimmer froze.

"_What was our little agreement? No moving? You can't run away from us…"_

Rimmer wanted nothing more than to scuttle away into a corner like a space-weevil and hide. Instead, he went to stand closer to the others, as if the voice wouldn't be able to get to him.

"_What part of 'no moving' did your neurotic mess of a brain not understand?"_

The voice hissed with its hint of insanity.

Rimmer swayed and grabbed Lister and the Cat's shoulders as he almost fell forwards into the control panel.

"Wha-?" the Scouser frowned, taken by surprise.

"What the hell are you doing Goalpost Head?" Cat's defined eyebrows shot into an angry frown.

Lister sighed, "If we can jus' get away for a minute even, we can think…"

"Here we are dudes," Holy said, "Try and move her away,"

"_I wouldn't do that Arnold, bad idea…"_

"Plottin' a course," Lister said, trying to make out what he could from the damaged screens.

"Engaging reheat bud,"

"_Don't say you weren't warned._"

Rimmer ran from the room and down the corridor.

Lister sighed and the Cat frowned, guiding Starbug away.

That's when they were hit. A powerful smash that sent the Cat and Lister hurtling forwards in their seats and Kryten whacking into the console he sat behind.

The way they felt, the red alert siren may as well have been screaming, 'Panic, panic, panic, panic!'

"S3 Planetoid thirty clicks away Sirs!" Kryten called over the noise, "Fairly normal climate!"

The Cat didn't even have to look at the damaged damage report machine to know they were going down.

The first thing Lister saw when he opened his eyes was Kryten's angular face.

"Oh Sir!" the Mechanoid squealed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah man course," Lister sat up slowly, "Ya know me; tough as old space boots me,"

"Look at my hair!" Cat wailed, "This is an emergency, I'm never gonna get the tangles out!"

The cockpit looked like a herd of drunken, swashbuckling, mad, rabid, pillaging GELFs had rollerbladed through it. Lister took one look around him and reached for his emergency cigarettes.

"Gordon Bennet," Holly swept his eyes around the remains of the cockpit, "It's absolutely heinous! I won't tell you about the engine room now I've seen this,"

Lister closed his eyes and blew a perfect circle of smoke into the air, "Will someone please explain to me, in _layman's_ terms, what the smeg is goin' on…?"

"I'll do my best Sir," Kryten said, "Although my knowledge chip is a little frazzled myself…" he pondered where to start for a few seconds whilst Lister leaned back and smoked and the Cat desperately brushed his hair.

"What was wrong with Mr Rimmer for a start Sir?" The mechanoid began.

"He was hearin' voices," Lister replied in another puff of smoke. What with the rest of what had gone on, he said it with no bemusement, but it did bring him around to wondering where his bunkmate was.

"So what's new?" Cat raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, I think I've gathered a reasonable explanation for all of this Sirs," Kryten announced, "What with it being a holoship, we received no readings whenever it was near, but Mr Cat's excellent olfactory senses picked it up-"

The Cat grinned under a mane of hair.

"Now," The mechanoid continued, "Being holograms they could have some way of communicating with Mr Rimmer, hence the voices. At present, the worst part is that they are showing signs of abilities not unlike those gained in a holovirus, for example telekinesis, explaining the objects flying around the room, the tracker on the side of Starbug and various machinery breaking, but these seem to be much stronger, which could mean that they are hard-light holograms like Mr Rimmer, as when you are a hard-light hologram your senses and attributes are heightened, which could mean a stronger strain of virus," he smiled.

Cat looked agog, "That was layman's terms?"

"I'm sorry Sir, but I couldn't have made it any simpler without large sheets of paper and crayons or an Expressive Dance group," the mechanoid replied, "Also, if Mr Rimmer has had any sort of contact with the infected holograms, which he has, he could run the risk of contracting the virus himself,"

"I'm gonna go find 'im," Lister jumped up from his seat.

Luckily, Lister's first guess of him being in their sleeping quarters was right.

He walked in to find the hard-light collapsed on the floor, "Rimmer?!" he knelt down beside him, "Come on ya smegger…" he lifted him into a sitting position, supporting him with one arm, "Come on, wakey-wakey eh? Rimsy?"

Rimmer's eyes flickered open for a brief second and he mumbled something incoherent.

"Don' worry, you helped me an' now I'm helpin' you 'kay?" Lister told him, "But you need to geddup so I can help you to the medibay cos unfortunately I can't carry ya like ya did for me eh?" Lister laughed, and he saw Rimmer smile slightly.

With a fair share of difficulty and a side helping of awkwardness, Lister managed to get them both to the medibay where Kryten had prepared a scan.

Once the hologram was lying on the bed, Kryten ran the scan over his body, muttering every now and then.

As he stood close by, Lister realised somewhere in the back of his mind that the ship was looking _beyond_ beyond repair, and he hoped that the damages weren't as bad as they looked.

But then another thought occurred that he found worried him more than the ship; the last time Rimmer had a holovirus they had been aboard Red Dwarf, where there was a lot more access to needed equipment _and _the hologram projection suite. What if Rimmer needed something they just didn't have?

"Well," He asked the mechanoid, "Is he gonna be okay?"

Kryten stepped back slightly, "Well… he's… getting better, Sir…"

"Gettin' better?" Lister frowned; that hadn't exactly been the ideal diagnoses, seeing as Kryten didn't look too positive.

Later, Lister looked up from his seat beside the bed where Rimmer was sleeping as the Cat appeared in the medibay doorway looking much tidier than earlier.

"Hey bud, are you gonna stay in here with Goalpost Head all day? What about the ship? It looks like a tin of peas that's been crushed by a giant scary thing! And what about the holoship and all the other smeg we have to worry about? What I'm sayin' is why'd you wanna sit with Smeg-For-Brains when there are so many interesting things to do?"

Lister looked at Rimmer and then around the room, "Cos he's me mate, an' I… love all me mates, 'specially if they save me life, an' so they come first,"

The Cat gave him the oddest look in the universe.

_It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,_

_I'm all alone,_

_More or less,_

_Let me fly far away from here,_

_Fun, fun, fun,_

_In the sun, sun, sun_

_I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,_

_Drinking fresh mango juice,_

_Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,_

_Fun, fun, fun,_

_In the sun, sun, sun_

_Fun, fun, fun_

_In the sun, sun, sun!_

Author's Note: Don't forget to review guys, tell me what you think. Hope you enjoyed it! ;D

_**N**__irvanah_

Xoxoxoxo


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